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Post by wordpainter320 on Aug 6, 2008 15:26:41 GMT -5
I write lyrics and poetry. I started writing this song about two weeks ago, and I can't find the right words to continue the song. I've only got it up till the chorus. After that my brain just dies ^^; Here's what I've got so far: Toxic Fate Verse One: Wake up, and your name's on my mind I really need some time to unwind Whenever I turn around, I find You, and every time you walk out the door You leave me and then I want more I can't handle this obsession Gotta keep my heart's confession And God knows it needs protection Cuz suddenly, things fall apart You took a knife, threw it at my heart I know everywhere I look into your eyes I'm headed for disaster But every time I look away It just makes me fall faster Chorus: Breathe in, breathe out I'm thrown across the floor With or without You find a way to hurt me more But I can't stay away I know that this is just a phase And you'll turn around your attitude someday This is my toxic fate Soo...anyone got ideas? Like, you don't have to post lyrics or anything, cuz then that would be plagiarism XD But like, ideas for how it should go...my friend thinks that what should happen is the girl realizes that the guy's being a jerk, so she leaves him...I don't know. Suggestions?
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Post by Rose's Thorn on Aug 7, 2008 1:43:57 GMT -5
Well, firstly, I always have a problem reading lyrics without knowing the tune. Y'know, that other part of a lick.
Okay, well, outside of not knowing the tune, I disagree about the ending your friend suggested. I think that it should continue with a single idea - poems and songs, unlike short stories/novels, usually revolve around one idea and expand on that, but don't evolve from it. (Does that even make sense?). Anyway, what I'm saying is that I don't think she should realize anything - I think she should continue with the idea of being addicted to this guy. But whatever you think should happen, that's what you do.
Okay, critique time on what you have.
I adore the rhyme scheme. Very creative, but it flows. And I like the title at the end of the chorus. Some of the lines are a little awkward ("Gotta keep my heart's confession" is a little confusing, "you walk out the door/You leave me" seems a little redundant in that wording, but I'm sure these would make more sense with the tune, and I sincerely believe that. Melodies have a weird way of making lyrics actually work sometimes when otherwise, they're just a little confusing. These lines aren't bad, but they're the only things that I think might be wrong).
Ideas:
You could try to write a descriptive stanza or something, something that gives a stronger impression of what he's doing, unless you want that to remain vague and shrouded in mystery. You also could try to...let's see...well, honestly, that's all I've got. It's a whole lot of nothing (literally), but I'm bored, so, well, this is what I do with my life. Nice job!
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Post by wordpainter320 on Aug 7, 2008 16:08:23 GMT -5
Okay, I'll remember all of that. A descriptive stanza would be really good; I've never thought of that.
I'll change the "heart's confession" line. When I was writing it, I thought it would be cool to have words that end in 'tion'. I'll find another word out there though. I seem to have a way to make things work out like that.
Anyway, thanks so much for the critique! I really appreciate it.
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Post by Rose's Thorn on Aug 7, 2008 18:16:17 GMT -5
Yeah, I think that's really the only line that doesn't make any sense. And it is cool - there are plenty of words that end in "-cion", "-tion" and "-ssion". For example...would the word "possession" fit?
I'm glad to help, and you are quite welcome.
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Post by wordpainter320 on Aug 8, 2008 16:51:56 GMT -5
Possession...wow, that's PERFECT! Thanks so much for that! Here's a cookie *gives Rose a cookie*
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Post by Rose's Thorn on Aug 8, 2008 17:04:26 GMT -5
Yay! Thanks! *gobbles cookie* Yummm ^.^
Let me know when you write more - it's already really good and I could see finding that on a lyric site or something like that. I like it.
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Post by wordpainter320 on Aug 8, 2008 18:56:30 GMT -5
Thank you! I'll let you know how it goes.
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